New Hot Pocket: EPIC FAIL!

I was enjoying some television this afternoon when I was confronted with the newest evolution of the Hot Pocket.  This new heart attack inducing product is marketed as a pizza type meal that can be eaten in the hustle and bustle of your mobile lifestyle. I give to you the 3 reasons that drive my hatred toward the Hot Pocket and affiliate products.

1. When the hell wasn't a single slice of pizza not a mobile dish?  I suppose there is the long thin strips of New York pizza that would have a tendency to wilt and upon rolling would leak grease (much like a standard "Hot Pocket"), but the point is still moot.  Pizza can be eaten on the go, or perhaps more realistically consumed upon the travel between the microwave and the couch...

2. Consumer foods should never have an inside out version.  How about an inside out version of an orange?  Yea, orange slices with peel on the inside!  Too healthy?  Ok, how about a nice chicken leg filled with deep fried batter?  There might be a reason Col. Sanders never implemented such a disgusting plan.  Btw, what military did Col. Sanders serve in? 

3. America is too damn fat.  Yup, I went there.  Seriously, do the American People (and perhaps residents of American Somoa, Canada, and Puerto Rico) need another quickly made fat filled product?  I would imagine that if one were to occasionally partake of a Hot Pocket or related affilate product, on the single serving level it wouldn't be entirely a death wish bad.  The problem is for those who have developed a habit of eating such filth consume more than one per sitting. 

I tried to do some research on the nutrition facts behind the Hot Pocket, and the official website kindly let me know Hot Pockets are a great source of Calcium.  Seriously?  Here are the real facts on the Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pocket which seemed to be the next closest thing to the new product (no info available yet, or possibly ever)

Nutrition Facts
Serving Size: 1 piece

Amount per Serving
Calories 350 Calories from Fat 170
% Daily Value *
Total Fat 19g	29%
Saturated Fat  7g	35%
Cholesterol 30mg	10%
Sodium 850mg	35%
Total Carbohydrate 34g	11%
Dietary Fiber  2g	8%
Sugars  6g
Protein 11g	22%

Vitamin A	4%
Calcium	15%
Iron	15%

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Est. Percent of Calories from:

Fat 48.9%     Carbs 38.9%   Protein 12.6%

Yea, yea, I see the calcium.  I would also add: An excellent source of Cholesterol!!!1

Bonus Round: Jim Gaffigan really says better than I can in regards to the Hot Pocket.