Metal Detecting Sandals: Won't Attract Metal Or Women

I recognize that there is a certain class of people that shop via skymall.  All those products that you've seen and thought "Wow, that really solves [insert inconvenience here]!" yet the inflated price drove you away.  Quell your fears for today ushers in a new invention at an affordable price... Metal Detecting Sandals.

You know how I know you're gay?  You purchased (or thought about purchasing) these sandals.  Listen folks, its bad enough you're trolling the beach looking to find someone's old bottle caps, rusty nails, old fish hooks buried treasure but I promise you whatever Johnny Depp and the rest of the pirates left behind won't be detected by your lame ass metal "detecting" chanclas.  Honestly you are more likely to get caught as someone fleeing house arrest with an ankle monitor than gold digger "treasure hunter".

So, because I know your just dying to hear the specs on this terrible invention, I'll give it to you straight up.  The battery pack and metal finding goodies are all in the right foot.  There is a copper coil that works with the 9v battery to seek deep within (2 feet) the surface to find metallic items.  These sandals are only $59.95 and come in men's and women's sizes.  As surprising as it may sound these sandals aren't a television special with a free gift if you act now.  No in fact you can buy these sandals anytime right from Hammacher catalog online and no free gift (sorry it actually costs you your dignity).

I haven't reviewed these sandals first hand and don't plan to.  I can guarantee these sandals will not attract valuable metal or women.